My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.