WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
fixed it
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.