i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.