my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
These 3D printers are insane!
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.