I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Left at a local drug store…
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.