*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
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Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Love it! 👍😂
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body