I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
This took me a second..
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
who did the taste test?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Donkey Kong sommelier
my lower back watching me try to live my life
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird