[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
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9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Not even remotely sorry.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.