I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
How it started: How it’s going:
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested