Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.