Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.