Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
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Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.