You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
the dark web is just a goth google.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.