Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
You Might Also Like
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.