Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
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A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I need this for my side hustle.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…