reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
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“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.