My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
You Might Also Like
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It