“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.