Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
We decided to have money instead of children.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich