You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.