The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
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ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
The French word for sex is croissant.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.