Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
hmmm
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child