Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can