Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
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Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Love this one 😂🧟
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.