I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Why is everyone getting married at me
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Leaving the Barbers like
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?