when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
You Might Also Like
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I found your tweet-up…
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.