Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened