This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
You Might Also Like
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.