Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful