Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember