In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
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My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.