Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Reporter: *ports again*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”