Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun