You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes