I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.