A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
You Might Also Like
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
They’re the worst 😩
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
#polloftheday
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas