ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
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*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Same post same
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.