Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.