If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.