Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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A little too much information.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Whoa… oh I see lol
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
good for her