Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
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Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
No way!
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Europe. Made in Germany.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…