Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I can’t stop laughing at this
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.