You Might Also Like
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.