Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line