I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The French cow says MEUX…
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker