Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.