Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The struggle is real
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes