Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
You Might Also Like
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
But I really needed water water water
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
no such thing as a dumb question
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene