This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god