“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
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[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.